The Importance of Inclusive language
As a celebrant, it is our joy and privilege to marry consenting adults. And, as such, how they identify should be respected and adhered to, both in our ceremony presentation and in our written communication.
A 2015 Fusion Millennial poll of adults aged 18-34 in the USA found that the majority see gender as a spectrum rather than a man/woman binary. In the nearly ten years since, we can confidently expect this statistic to be even higher.
FIRSTLY, LET’S JUST CLARIFY SOME TERMS SO THAT WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE:
Sex = based on hormones and chromosomes.
Gender = how a person identifies, can be synonymous with gender identity.
Gender identity = personal sense of one’s own gender. Can correlate with sex or differ from it. E.g. man, woman, non-binary, genderqueer, fa’afafine, hijras, two-spirit.
Gender expression = how a person expresses their gender through behaviour, clothing, presentation.
Sexual orientation = patterns of emotional/romantic/sexual attraction a person experiences.
THESE TERMS ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND ONE IS NOT INDICATIVE OF ANOTHER.
We all probably know that the wedding industry has long defaulted to hetero-normative language. But no more!
It’s not about OUR preference or even opinion, it’s what makes each of our couples comfortable.
It’s important that we use neutral language because we can’t assume anyone’s gender identify simply from their name, clothing, or expression - couples that identify as cis-gender (identifying with the gender assigned at birth) and straight (male-female) may also appreciate neutral language. Perhaps they have queer friends or family members and want to know that their celebrant will be accepting and respectful, or perhaps they simply prefer neutral language – it’s not up to us to find out the “why”.
And, it’s also no longer the case that the woman in every straight relationship is the one more interested in wedding planning anyway, so correcting our language also encourages both parties to be equally invested in the process. Many straight couples might not like the terms of “bridegroom/bride” and can choose “partner” on the legal paperwork, and any term that has similar meaning during the legal part of the vows.
LANGUAGE IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE VISIBILITY IS IMPORTANT AND EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE SEEN AND HEARD.
It can take time to change our ingrained ways of thinking and interacting and it’s actually ok if you make a mistake - just apologise, and move on. It’s better to try your best and feel a little bit awkward as you adjust than to not try and make someone else, especially someone with whom you’re creating a special day for, feel uncomfortable.
You don’t have to understand everything, you just have to try not to be a dick! Take your lead from your couples - if they request a pronoun, name, or term, use it! Simple.
Many people struggle with using “they” for an individual rather than multiple people. Ultimately, if someone tells you that their pronouns are they/them, then use them. It matters to that person and it matters a lot more than you realise, and a lot more than your mild discomfort. Just use their first name if you’re struggling to adjust.
ACTION POINTS:
Go through your paperwork and adjust your language. Use “partner” instead of “bride/groom” and “they” instead of “she/he”. You can search your documents for those old search terms to make sure you’ve found every instance. Have these documents as your default paperwork, not just for couples who you consider to be gender diverse.
If you hear a couple use a term, ask if you can use that term as well. “I hear you identify as queer, are you ok with me using this term too?” Don’t assume, some people prefer queer to lesbian, or queer to bi etc. Sometimes it’s ok for someone within the community to use the term but not for someone outside of it.
Use general questions like “what will you wear?” rather than “what’s your dress like?” “How would you like to enter the wedding?” rather than “are you (the bride) walking down the aisle?” “How would you like to be introduced?” rather than “I’ll introduce you as Mr and Mrs.” “You may kiss!” rather than “you may kiss the bride!” Again, use these questions for ALL your couples, so you get used to it and so everyone feels included. It’s also much more open-minded! Anyone can walk down the aisle!
Instead of bridal party/bridesmaids/groomsmen, you can use terms like wedding party, support crew, team, friends, tribe, besties. Make sure to welcome “family and friends” rather than “ladies and gentlemen.”
Being inclusive applies to your advertising and social media presence too. Check and triple check your posts until it becomes routine. Remember your website contact form, automatic replies, questionnaire, contract, vow ideas, and any other marketing.
There is so much content on the internet about gender and sexuality. Do your research, open your mind, learn, be an advocate, and always be kind!
YOUR COUPLES WILL APPRECIATE IT.
The Celebrant Guide is a proud Gold Supporter of Pride Pledge - keep an eye on upcoming events as we will be locking in a wedding-focused online Pride session soon!